Week 768: The Events Described Herein Are Entirely Fictitious


No fewer than 17 different animal species were beheaded for one small scene in "The Godfather" until Francis Ford Coppola said, "I know -- a horse!"

It's time once again for some more outright lies: This time we'll focus the fictoids on that bastion of The Whole Truth, the silver screen. Loser Lawrence McGuire suggests: Come up with fictitious movie trivia, as in Bob Staake's example above.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. For second place: You know those "stress balls" -- those molded foam things, in various shapes, that you're supposed to squeeze for relaxation, when work is making you just a little bit crazy? They're often given out by organizations as promotional material, as this one was.

It is from the U.S. Army. It has the U.S. Army logo and "WWW.ARMY.MIL."

It is green.

It is in the shape of . . .

A hand grenade. (Donated by Russell Beland of Springfield, whose stress ball of choice is one of his 10 Inkers.)

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 16. Put "Week 768" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 5. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Chris Doyle, who sent it while traveling in Quito, Ecuador. And you wonder why some people get so dang much ink.

Report From Week 764, in which we sought additions to the canon of Chuck Norris Facts, evidence of the tough-guyness, superhumanness and general divinity of the karate-kickin' actor: One frequently submitted entry: Chuck Norris already found and captured Osama bin Laden, but the government secretly made Chuck put him back. And numerous people took the opportunity to cleverly note that Chuck Norris can split an infinitive with his bare hands.

4.Chuck Norris does not buy hurricane insurance. Hurricanes buy Chuck Norris insurance. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

3.Chuck Norris sneezes with his eyes open. (Michele Uhler, Fort Washington)

2. the winner of the set of Tattoos for the Elderly: Steel is made of Chuck Norris's bones . (Thomas Hansen, Rockville, a First Offender)

And the Winner of the Inker: Chuck Norris doesn't need to bathe. He just breaks your nose so you can't smell. (Robert Gallagher, Falls Church, a First Offender)

Brawn's Medalists: Honorable Mentions

Chuck Norris doesn't hit the snooze alarm -- time stops until Chuck Norris is ready to get up. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

Chuck Norris once killed a guy for interrupting his meditation. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Chuck Norris can make a 190-degree triangle. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

"Chuck Norris" spelled backwards is "Chuck Norris." (Marc Channick, San Diego)

Little Chuckie Norris didn't cry when Bambi's mom died -- he got hungry. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

Chuck Norris could win "Dancing With the Stars" with Ruth Bader Ginsburg as his partner. (Rick Haynes)

Chuck Norris doesn't surf the Internet -- he walks on it. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)

If this entry doesn't get ink, Chuck Norris will destroy The Washington Post. (Greg Pearson, Arlington)

Chuck Norris can outdrink Hillary and out-wine-taste Obama. (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)

The aliens' probes broke on Chuck Norris. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Chuck Norris files his fingernails on chalkboards. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

When Chuck Norris orders Peking duck, 17.9 million Chinese people put their heads down. (Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Chuck Norris does not obey the law of gravity. He humors it. (Jeff Brechlin)

Chuck Norris used to be the best logger in the Mojave Forest. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Chuck Norris can eat an egg and poop out a live chicken. (Harry Wood, Andover, Mass., a First Offender)

Q: How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? A: Trick question -- there is only one Chuck Norris. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Chuck Norris can clap with one finger. (Art Grinath)

Chuck Norris auditioned for the circus by stuffing a dozen Volkswagens into a clown. (Kevin Dopart)

If Chuck Norris had been in "The Terminator" instead of Arnold, no one would have believed it because Chuck can't play a wuss. (Keith Waites, Frederick, whose last Invitational ink was in 2002)

On a Metro escalator, Chuck Norris stands right, kills left. (Beth Baniszewski, Somerville, Mass.)

When Chuck Norris passes through a tollbooth, the cashiers throw money in his mouth. (Jon Spell, Orem, Utah)

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas until Chuck Norris tells it to leave. (Christopher Lamora, Arlington)

Chuck Norris makes diamonds by rolling boogers between his fingers. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

The American flag wears a Chuck Norris pin. (Dan Ramish, Vienna)

Chuck Norris solved Fermat's Last Theorem. By punching it. (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Only three people have called Chuck Norris "Charlie" -- and he turned them into angels. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)

Chuck Norris has Sunday dinner at Chick-fil-A. (Michele Uhler)

Chuck Norris commutes from Stafford to the Pentagon in only 35 minutes. (Sam Ackerman, Clifton, a First Offender)

Chuck Norris eats toys made in China. (Tod Hale, Fredericksburg, a First Offender)

If Chuck Norris were French, then . . . oh, let's face it, Chuck Norris could never be French. (Paul VerNooy)

And Last: Chuck Norris gets to use a pseudonym in The Style Invitational. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: It's Doo-Dah Day, or Swanee Ribbers